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Kevin Hart, who was the roaster master of the night, didn’t waste any time delivering the first blows in the opening minutes. “Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago,” he said. “We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin.’”
It didn’t stop there: “Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.’”
Comedian Jeff Ross obviously saved his best material for Bieber, making a funny comment about Bieber’s desire to have Seth Rogen like him and taking jabs at Selena Gomez. “Seth Rogen thinks you’re a conceited piece of shit, and he hangs out with James Franco,” he said. Adding more insult to injury: “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”
Here are some other great jokes on the pop star, including a segment where Will Ferrell roasts Biebs as Ron Burgundy:
“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters,” – Ludacris
“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me.” – Hannibal Buress
“Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likeable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn’t work.” – Hannibal Buress
“Congratulations, Hannibal Buress. You are only the Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him.” – Snoop Dogg
“I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather.” – Ron Burgundy
“Justin’s fan are called Beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.” – Natasha Legerro
“Justin, as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.” – Shaq
Martha Stewart, who was incarcerated in 2004 on felony charges, also showed up to offer advice on how to avoid going to jail, as well as lifestyle tips for if he ever had to do a bid. The 73-year-old businesswoman and television personality was pretty vulgar, which was a highlight of the night. “Justin, you have no idea what you’re in for,” she said. “I’m sure it’s great to have 60 millions followers on Twitter. But the only place people will be following you in prison will be into the shower.”
When it was finally Bieber’s turn to throw some jokes of his own, they were just as hilarious. “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?,” he said. “A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
He also took the opportunity to give a speech apologizing for his behavior, which his rap sheet includes reckless driving, public urination and an egg-throwing incident involving his neighbor.
“I turned a lot of people off over the past few years, but I know I can still turn out good music and turn everything all around,” he said. “I’ve lost some of my best qualities. For that, I am sorry. I’m looking forward to being someone who you guys can all look at and be proud of.”
Also in the audience: Dave Chappelle, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, John Mayer, Jaden Smith, Carly Rae Jepsen, Andy Dick, Justin Kirk, Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian.